My dad came out as an 'agnostic' to me two days ago (26 September 2015). I knew he had been struggling with the dogmatism of his and my mum's church, The Christian Community (in which they also raised me and my siblings; all of us left it), and tried a Remonstrant church for a while because they are known as very liberal Protestants, but it surprised me nonetheless.
He told me, smiling: 'I've got some news that might please you.' I jokingly said: 'You're not religious anymore.' He: 'Well almost, but not quite. I'm done with church.' I was genuinely taken aback. 'Oh, well, why then? What happened? Didn't you try that liberal church?' He: 'Yeah, and it was liberating at first, they were not so dogmatic, you didn't have to believe x, y and z about Jesus, you can just see his message as an inspiration. But later they started to proselytise: 'I see there's a woman living at the same address as you, I assume that's your wife? Would you like to bring her along some time?' 'Oh well, maybe.' And they kept asking, but as you know mum's still fine in her church. And they started emailing me stuff I didn't ask for, asked my colleagues to come to church as well, and in a group conversation the pastor shut me up when I was talking about The Christian Community. I don't understand. Is this supposed to be the most liberal church in the country? I'm done with it. I don't want to be associated with Christianity anymore.'
I held back in bashing religion, even defended the liberal church a bit ("this is just how they believe, secular associations also want more members" etc.) but politely agreed with his criticism. 'So what do you believe now?' I asked. He: 'I don't need church anymore to tell me what to believe, I can believe outside the church. I'm not an atheist, I'm not sure about God, but I'm certain there has to be *something*! So I'm an agnostic now, I think.' I: 'Ok, but don't you mean you're a 'somethingist' (ietsist) then? I said, smiling. He: 'Oh hehe, I don't know, could be, I still have to find that out.' wink emoticonI was so glad to hear it. We've had many arguments about religion in the past, several of them were unpleasant, mostly because I was frustrated and wanted to show why I thought it was all bullshit, rather than trying to gently convince my parents and help them reach that conclusion themselves. In recent years I tried to take a more diplomatic approach. I also gave my dad The Greatest Show on Earth as birthday present when he saw he found intelligent design plausible, because he couldn't imagine how complexity could arise through evolution. He only read a third of it because he found it repetitive, but admitted he now did see how evolution *could* explain complexity. I don't know how much influence I've had in his deconversion, maybe he was just mostly disappointed with organised religion, but I'm glad either way.
I just hope it won't cause a rift in his marriage with my mum, who still firmly believes and wants him to come back to church (she left her own parents' fundamentalist Protestant church in her late teens, but seems at home in The Christian Community). He: 'I also told [your] mum two weeks ago that when I die, I don't want a pastor doing the memorial service. She still does, but I insisted. It's my life, my death. I don't want any religious stuff at my funeral.'
'I tried being a Christian for decades, but I couldn't. Maybe my upbringing was too atheist,' my dad said. I laughed and answered: 'I don't believe upbringing entirely determines your religion. For example, you raised me as a Christian, but I'm now an atheist. So there may yet be redemption for you one way or the other.' wink emoticon 'Haha, one way or the other, yeah,' he repeated, smiling.
